Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
