I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
