Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
