I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
