The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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