Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
