Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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