Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
