Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
