Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
