Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you didnt know i had herpes?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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