Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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