My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
