Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
