This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
