Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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