Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
