Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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