You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
