He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
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