I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
