A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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