the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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