hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
