so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
