mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
