I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
