i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
