Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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