Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
