Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
