and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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