separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
