so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
