my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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