I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
