You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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