If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
