his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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