The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
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