I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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