I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
