at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I believe in your delicious
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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