I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We need to rekindle our bromance
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
