I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
