I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
