im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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