My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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