If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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