i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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